Hit the Watermelon, Not the Fans

Las Vegas is a great town. It really is. Not only can you do more or less whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want, but you've got a great array of entertainment to choose from when you're there. With such a diverse array of talent, it stuns me that anyone would go to see Gallagher perform. Because Gallagher, well, sucks.

What's worse than going to a Gallagher show? Going to a Gallagher show and getting smacked in the head by the skulleted freak. After his performance over last Thursday, we can only assume that Gallagher thinks slapping one of his fans (his only fan?) in the head is funny. Of course, he also thinks smashing a watermelon with a sledgehammer after 45 minutes of fart jokes is funny, too. The fact that he even has a fan is still baffling to me, as he is one of the least funny human beings alive. He is to comedy what Carl Lewis is to music. Anyway, here's the Las Vegas Review Journal story.

Gallagher...said Tuesday he was only joking when he slapped a front-row patron in the head during a Thursday show at the Riverside Resort in Laughlin.

But fan William Edwin May III of California failed to see the humor in the smack, and he filed a report with Las Vegas police.

The episode cost Gallagher the rest of his Memorial Day weekend job. He and the resort differ on whether he quit or was fired.

Gallagher, 58, said Tuesday that he considered May to be part of the act because he had pulled him into the show the night before and invited him back for an encore.

When he caught May instead negotiating with a cocktail server for a beer, "I gave him a whack on the side of the head and said, 'Hey, you're my guy!"

"It got a laugh, and that's what this is about."

Must have been the only funny thing that night. Of course, William May failed to see the humor in getting whacked in the head and left to seek medical care. Now, the Las Vegas police are involved in an investigation of the situation. What a jackass Gallagher is. But it gets worse:

May said he has been a Gallagher fan for 20 years, calling him one of the best comedians because "he's true to the truth."

Let me stop right here and say that perhaps Bill May deserved a smack in the head for that comment. OK, let's continue.

Police spokesman Jose Montoya said police records do not indicate that Gallagher has been charged or cited in the incident. Montoya said the the case remains open.

Roy Jernigan, Riverside entertainment director, said audience members seemed offended by Gallagher's insults to the cocktail waitress.

"The customers were scared," Jernigan said. "About 40 people got up and left immediately" after the incident. "The (waitress) started crying. He was totally out of control."

Gallagher said he was irked that drunken and rowdy hecklers had interrupted his act repeatedly. The frustrations boiled over, he said, when May bought a beer during the middle of his routine.

"It's a difficult situation because the ones in the front are dumb and stupid, and they'd been drinking," Gallagher said by telephone Tuesday. "When the waitress comes to the front and steals the spotlight ... it's extremely distracting to the magical moments I'm trying to create."

A source familiar with the incident said that children were present in the audience and that some parents were outraged by Gallagher's vulgarity-laced tirade.

Nice work, Gallagher. Keep on creating those "magical moments"--nothing's more magical than slapping a fan or insulting a waitress! You're the king, baby!