After I posted the Redskins video below, it inspired me to find more old promotional team videos. Of course, all team videos ever produced will have to be compared with the legendary Super Bowl Shuffle:
That's the gold standard. Sure, it's cheesy and hasn't really aged well, but it's a classic. We are the Bears, shufflin' crew, etc. That's what it's all about. These other videos have been forgotten, and rightly so.
But I've spent (too much) time running some of the worst offenders down, and here they are, in no particular order:
1987 CALGARY FLAMES: "Red Hot"
BEST VISUAL: The close-up of Lanny MacDonald's almost impossibly bushy mustache as he prepares to open up the lip syncing magic. Like the best horror movies, it is partly frightening and partly enthralling.
BEST LYRIC: The chorus - "You can't touch a flame when it's red hot, you can't put the fire out. Like a magic thing (?) that can't be bought, you can't touch a flame when it's red hot!" Profoundly stupid.
1986 NEW YORK METS: "Lets Go, Mets Go"
BEST VISUAL: You won't believe me when I tell you, but Joe Piscopo makes an appearance about halfway through, informing us that the "big story" is that the '86 Mets are awesome. He then defies the odds to make the video even dumber by tapping ACTUAL MET PLAYERS' HEADS to make them bobble, a la commemorative bobbleheads. This is worse than it sounds. Bonus points for including Joe Piscopo, though.
BEST LYRIC: "Where there's a Met man, you'll find a Mets fan." What does that even mean?
1986 DALLAS COWBOYS: "Christmas in Dallas"
BEST VISUAL: State-of-the-art technology allows the Reunion Ball and the Bank of America building (you know, the one with the green lighting bordering it at night) to combine into one badass 1986 Christmas Tree! How did they do it?? (Close second: a seemingly drugged Danny White struggling with his lip syncing parts)
BEST LYRIC: "When there is snow covering the ground, there's one thing I know - there is no better place I have ever ... fo-ound!" Too many words. Condense it, fellas.
1987 MINNESOTA TWINS: "Berenguer Boogie"
BEST VISUAL: This entire video is garbage. But certainly the creepiest visual is a shot of a bunch of children followed immediately by a (lingering) shot of a trench coated man's crotch, panning up to reveal Mr. Berenguer. Off-putting. Arguably the best visual comes when Juan Berenguer (still in trench coat) "dances" with a bunch of fitness models with giant permed hair.
BEST LYRIC: The chorus. "The Berenguer Boogie, (unintelligible - sounds like "I will ask, he will know"), The Berenguer Boogie, Señor Smoke." Maybe this is better with the unintelligible part intact.
SPECIAL NOTE: What's with all the trench coats? Was Juan Berenguer a trench coat salesman or something? Were the Twins flashing fans in the offseason? Very weird.
1988 FLORIDA STATE: "Seminole Rap"
BEST VISUAL: It's gotta be either Burt Reynolds' brief appearance at the very beginning of the video, or "Chip and Pete", the whitest QBs ever, trying to look like something other than two huge dorks. They fail.
BEST LYRIC: Also courtesy of "Chip and Pete" - "I'm Chip, I'm Pete, and we're the QBs; we've got the best job, as you can see...No matter what you do, we're gonna score, and if you make us mad, we'll score some more." I bet Chip and Pete aren't scoring as much these days.
Anyone know of any more recent terrible team videos? The Grizzlies ought to make one soon.